Face the State

By Andrew Ripemoff

Today, we get to sit in with "Chuck," a Denver resident and owner of "Chuck’s Bar-B-Que Hut," as he is interviewed by a representative of the Democratic National Convention Committee. Chuck is one of the many caterers bidding on the opportunity to help fill the tummies of hungry Democrat convention goers - most of whom will spend four days at the big shindig this August. Here is a transcript of the interview:

DNC: Welcome Chuck. Please have a seat.

CHUCK: But there aren’t any chairs?

DNC: This is a fictional humor column Chuck. Use your imagination.

CHUCK: Ok. And thanks for seeing me. I sure hope you’ll give us a shot. I work real hard and our food is very popular around here.

DNC: Have you heard about the lengthy 28 page "DNC Catering Vendor Request for Proposal" or RFP for short?

CHUCK: Yes. Isn’t that an actual document that will be referenced often in this column?

DNC: It certainly will. It can be found at www.denverconvention2008.com

CHUCK: Good.

DNC: And I see that you are a white male.

CHUCK: Uh, yeah. Is that a problem?

DNC: Probably. On page 8 of the RFP, we clearly state: "The planning committee will look to award 15% to minority business enterprises."

CHUCK: Well, that sucks.

DNC: Excuse me?

CHUCK: Nothing.

DNC: We also expect contracts to be awarded to "..no less than 15% to women-owned business enterprises." Are you by chance, owned by a woman?

CHUCK: Yeah, you could say that. I’m married.

DNC (getting angry): Listen. I’m trying to help you win the bid. Ok? Now, are you part of any other protected classes? For example, are you a member of the gay and lesbian community?

CHUCK: No. I live in Arvada.

DNC: And your firm has no minority ownership, correct?

CHUCK (looks around, confused): Maybe I’m in the wrong meeting. I thought you guys wanted some barbeque.

DNC: We do, but as you are certainly aware, historically under-represented groups need some assistance to succeed in the marketplace.

CHUCK: Really? Because there’s this black lady that owns the burger joint across the street from me, and she’s killing me during the lunch hour. She opened her second franchise last month and she drives a new BMW. Just curious, is she the kind you’re talking about? You know, the kind that can only succeed with YOUR help? WELL?

DNC: Let’s move on, shall we?

CHUCK: Let’s.

DNC: Regarding food preparation and the requirements stated on RFP page 10. I’m quoting directly: "70% or more of ingredients by precooked weight are certified organic and/or grown/raised in Colorado."

CHUCK: 70% by precooked weight? Hmm. Do you have a scale I could borrow to weigh the ingredients? Because when I make my green pork chilli, I just usually eyeball the amount of paprika.

DNC: Uh, I really don’t.

CHUCK: And another thing, I get my watermelons from a farmer near Cheyenne, Wyoming, which is about 90 minutes away. Is that alright with you guys?

DNC: Sorry. Page 10 says they have to be "...grown/raised in Colorado."

CHUCK: Why?

DNC: Our focus is on an eco-friendly convention. Food that travels shorter distances helps the environment.

CHUCK: But then I’ll have to drive all the way down to Del Norte to get my watermelons. That’s about three hours away.

DNC: It doesn’t matter if the rules don’t make sense, just as long as Ms. Pelosi thinks we’re "green". Which reminds me, RFP page 10 reads: "Encourage work staff to take alternative transportation such as walking..." I assume you’ll agree to that.

CHUCK: Right. My prep-cook, Ernie, lives in Longmont. He has a short temper and a drinking problem. If I "encourage" him to walk from Longmont to the Pepsi Center, he’s going to slice me open with a paring knife.

DNC: Speaking of your workforce. Are your employees member of a union?

CHUCK: Nah. They actually work.

DNC: Going back to page 9 and the menu. I’d like to point out to you that there will be no fried food at the convention.

CHUCK: Ha! Ha! That’s a good one.

DNC: I’m serious.

CHUCK: Sorry.

DNC: In addition, we require that the food must contain: "At least three of the following five colors: red, green, yellow, blue/purple and white."

CHUCK: Ha! Ha! Now you got me. That’s funny.

DNC: I’m still serious.

CHUCK: Really? Huh. Guess I better stock up on food coloring. And are you sure you can’t have anything fried? Because I make a mean batch of Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters.

DNC: What are Rocky Mountain Oysters?

CHUCK: They are these uh....You know what? How about I just give you a whole plate of them later.

DNC: Thank you! That’s sure nice of you.

CHUCK: Trust me. The pleasure is all mine.