By Andrew Ripemoff
I finally figured out how to get rich. I’m going to make my own late night TV infomercial. I’ve got the script and everything:
Attention, Attention, Attention!
We have a truckload of carbon credits that must be sold NOW! Everything must go. Everything!
Are you flying to Denver for the Democratic National Convention later this month? Does the idea of renting a car to your hotel have you worried about emissions? Fearful that your taxi trip to the "Busty Babes Strip Club and Transmission Repair" will increase your carbon footprint?
Have no fear!
ItzaFineDay/Flickr
Face The State Carbon Credits are available to you now at an incredibly affordable rate. Offset your personal pollution output and accompanying guilt by purchasing these pseudo-wind turbine power new energy credits. For only $6.99 per credit, you can go back to your hotel after the convention and sleep soundly at night, knowing that you helped the environment.*
(*Disclaimer: Purchasing Carbon Offsets has not been shown to help the environment.)
But what about THOSE people you say? You know the type. Reasonable, intelligent. Not hypocritical. Republican. They’ll say that purchasing carbon credits is a phony act of false environmentalism that won’t actually help Mother Earth. They’ll say that if we really wanted to help the environment, we would run the DNC by teleconference and on the Internet.
Don’t listen to these fear mongers. Here at FTS Carbon Credit Incorporated, our motto is, "Symbolism over Substance."
Your contribution of only 699 pennies will save the planet. And Just like when you purchase official DNC carbon credits, buying FTS carbon credits will enable you to receive an official "Green Delegate Badge," which you can wear with pride to prove to all the other delegates how much of a phony you are...uh, I mean, how committed to the environment you are.
And trust me folks, this is a prestigious patch. Wearing your Green Delegate Badge around town will give you the confidence that comes from knowing you are superior to all other human beings. While you attend the DNC convention dinners, - badge proudly attached to lapel - you can hold your head up high, as you confidently approach Melissa, that cute delegate from West Virginia. You'll stroll boldy towards her, smiling as you say: "Is this seat taken? I’m a green delegate."
And she’ll look up at you - notice your impressive Green Delegate Badge - and reply, "Sorry, I’m a lesbian." So basically you’ll get rejected. But that’s not my main point, which is that being green is the way to go this convention. Which is why you should buy our FTS carbon credits.
And let’s compare price: Official DNC carbon offsets can cost up to $7.50. You’ll save over 50 cents buying FTS carbon credits. What will you do with all that money you save? You can take that 50 cents and purchase a printed daily list of DNC talking points, which, here in Colorado, we call The Denver Post.
What about a guarantee, you ask? Don’t worry. Your carbon offset purchase will be put to good use. Here at FTS, we have built a highly sophisticated piece of alternative fueling source that we call the "Bill Ritter New Energy Economy Wind Turbine." Basically, it’s a small rusty windmill attached to a birdhouse in our Aunt Erma's backyard. Compare this to that fancy $1.6 million dollar wind turbine that Governor Ritter proudly dedicated during a big photo op in Wray, Colorado last February. The difference? Ours works.
The DNC's Wray windmill has a record thinner than Barack Obama’s resume. The superintendent of the Wray school district says they’ve, "...flipped it back off and on about 10 times since then (February)." In other words, this thing has had more downtime than Mark Udall during an important congressional energy vote.
This is even more of a reason to purchase your carbon credits through the FTS Carbon Credits program. Our wind turbine runs all the time. And even if the wind doesn’t blow, we’ll run an extension cord out to the backyard and use Aunt Erma's hair dryer to blast hot air on that sucker. This may result in more energy being used than energy saved, but at least you’ll look good, and let’s be honest, isn’t that what being a DNC delegate is all about?
Let’s recap this incredible bargain. For only $6.99 you get the carbon offsets, a reduction in your personal guilt, AND the Green Delegate Badge. But wait! That’s not all. If you act now, you’ll also receive special privileges during your stay in Denver that will allow you to litter AND consume rare and endangered species. (Assuming of course, they’re not fried).
What an incredible deal. You get the carbon offsets, a conscious free of guilt, the official Green Delegate Badge, license to litter and eat broiled spotted owl, all for under $7.00
But that’s not all! If you act within the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in "Barack Obama’s Secret Plan to Bring Down Gas Prices." Yes, you’ll get a tire pressure gauge!
All of this for only $6.99? We must be crazy! So we know what you’re thinking:
"Why should I abandon the official DNC $1.6 million dollar turbine to buy my carbon offsets from a small old rusty birdhouse windmill?
Because so far, they’ve both produced the exact same amount of energy!
Yes friends, get your FTS Carbon Credits for only $6.99 during this limited time offer. Act now.
Operators are standing by.