By Andrew Ripemoff
Let’s talk about Big Labor’s five new ballot initiatives - one of which includes an expensive cost of living adjustment. This particular measure is nicknamed COLA, as in coca-cola, or coke - large amounts of which you would have to snort before these measures begin to look reasonable.
Brave New Films/Flickr
These union bosses have been busy lately. Contrary to conventional wisdom and overwhelming evidence, they are very productive people. Not productive in the sense of creating something of value, but rather, efficient in the ability to take money and resources away from those who actually contribute to society.
Which leads us back to COLA. The United Food and Commercial Workers Union Local 7 of Colorado submitted a ballot initiative that asks voters to decide whether or not their name is too long. (Seriously, can they even fit that name on their softball jerseys?) They also submitted a measure that would force employers to give all employees an annual wage increase that is based on the consumer price index. This raise would be in addition to other raises outlined in union contracts. I think it would even apply during union members’ vacation time. (Currently 8 months a year).
I don’t know about you, but this sounds pretty good. Free money! Where’s it going to come from you ask? Who cares? Just as long as we can milk our employer for as much as we can before the economic reality of the situation forces him to outsource our job to a 13-year-old Malaysian boy named "Arshad."
We especially like how this COLA measure would raise wages every year, regardless of performance. That makes complete sense for your average business owner:
SMALL BUSINESS OWNER: "Rob, can I see you for a second?"ROB: "Yeah boss?"
SMALL BUSINESS OWNER: "You’ve been late 10 days in a row. Your work has been sloppy, and you haven’t turned in any of the reports I asked for."
ROB: "Sorry."
SMALL BUSINESS OWNER: "What should we do about this situation?"
ROB: "Uh, I dunno. Give me a raise?"
SMALL BUSINESS OWNER: (ponders this): "Hmm. You know what? That’s a excellent idea!"
But this COLA measure isn’t the only damage union bosses are trying to inflict on us. There’s also the union-sponsored initiative that would increase assessments of commercial property. This would result in businesses paying more property taxes, which, to be fair, is something that one economist thinks is a pretty brilliant idea (Karl Marx). Ultimately, however, this would backfire on the union and kill jobs. American manufacturers are relocating jobs overseas for two main reasons:
1) Labor costs are rising.
2) Businesses are paying higher taxes.
So, after a detailed study of the problem, the union has come up with the following remedies:
1) Increase labor costs.
2) Raise business taxes.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. It’s like my dog. Do you know what I’d do if my dog bit my hand every time I filled his bowl? That’s right. I’d replace him with a 13-year-old Malaysian boy named "Arshad." But fortunately, he’s not that way. My dog is great. You’d like him, even though he does have some bad qualities. He’s lazy, he begs for treats, and mooches off of others.
In other words, he’s kind of like a union boss.
Wait, I’m sorry. I’m getting carried way with the name calling. It’s probably not fair to compare Big Labor with dogs. People like dogs.
Union leaders? Not so much. Especially when they fall back into conventional stereotypes. And here I’m talking their shoddy treatment of outsiders.
As we’ve reported here at Face The State, union recruiters have been scouring every government office they can find, begging for new members. They’re as relentless a roadside panhandler - only a panhandler won’t throw you out of a meeting, like the unions did to a FTS reporter.
Later, at another labor forum, they gave in and sort of allowed FTS access to their meeting, which was very generous of them, considering they were on public property and all.
At that forum, a union rep told us that government workers had been very receptive to the formation of a union - a statement that was a little hard to swallow. Our reporter was there for a half-hour and nobody stopped by - the exception being one interested party who approached the union rep to ask him (and I’m quoting here directly): "You don’t happen to know where they keep the toilet paper around here do you?"
So, as it stands now, it’s job producers battling it out with the job killers for the future economic vitality of our state. We will be sure to keep you updated on the progress of the union’s efforts. That is, of course, assuming we don’t end up wearing concrete shoes in the bottom of Platte River.
But wait. These types of stereotypes are completely unfair. Unions are diverse organizations of law abiding, hard working citizens dedicated to supporting private industry - just so long as private industry doesn’t make a profit.
In the end, we should perhaps end all the bickering and just let Big Labor have its chance. Give 'em whatever they want, I say. Let 'em make the rules for our economy, see how it turns it.
After all, guys like Arshad are counting on it.