By Andrew Ripemoff
An open letter to those of you here for the DNC.
On behalf of my fellow Colorado conservatives, let us be the first to welcome you to Denver. I know what you’re thinking, but please hear me out. Just because we’re a libertarian-leaning news site doesn’t mean we can’t be friendly to our leftist guests. We want to welcome you with open arms to our fair city.
Why?
Because there’s a certain amount of respect involved here. We know you are politically active. We know you are passionate, dedicated citizens. We know you are leaving soon.
So enjoy your time here, because it will be jam-packed. In a few days, the Mile High City will welcome thousands of liberal, hyper-partisan cheering Barack Obama supporters. But never mind the media, there will also be delegates coming to town.
Which is why we should start off with a warning: there is less oxygen in the air here. I’m serious. We’re at over 5,000 feet in elevation, which means you should be acutely aware of warning signs. At some point during your stay, you may get dizzy, and feel nauseous, and even vomit. This means you are either experiencing high altitude sickness or are listening to Obama’s acceptance speech.
And what a speech it should be. Invesco Field at Mile High will be packed with so many raucous fans, it will have the atmosphere of football game. And with Bill Clinton there, it should have just as much of scoring.
Speaking of which: you guys seem really obsessed with the crowd size. Your liberal talking heads brag incessantly: "There is so much energy; Barack Obama is going to fill up Invesco Field." Yeah? Well so does a Broncos pre-season game. And they charge $75 a seat for that.
But I don’t mean to insult you. We’re glad you’re here, and you should feel very comfortable. You’re amongst friends. After all, we have a Democrat governor. At least, we do for now. His poll numbers have dropped 20 percent in one year, so it’s not looking good. At this pace, he will go into his 2010 re-election year with a favorability rating somewhere between O.J. Simpson and Charles Manson.
And he’s not the only popular Democrat from Colorado. We’ve had a long, proud tradition of well-known Democrats setting the national agenda. You guys can have your Bill Clinton and John Edwards. They’re amateurs. We have Gary Hart. We invented the sex scandal.
And Hilary Clinton? Please. She’s not the first female candidate for president. You ever hear of Patricia Schroeder? No? Me neither. But I googled her name and it turns out she was from Denver and ran for president in 1988, bowing out of the race when she ran out of kleenexes.
And I’ve also come to learn that this isn’t even our first DNC. We hosted it back in 1908, when Democrats nominated William Jennings Bryan - a skilled orator from Illinois who would go on to lose in November when voters realized there wasn’t any substance behind the empty rhetoric. Sound familiar?
Back then they also hauled in snow from the mountains, (really), and stacked it high at the convention to impress out-of-town delegates. Imagine doing that this year. I’d love to see them try getting that idea by the convention’s "Green Committee."
Something more impressive than snow is the collection of celebrities you guys are bringing in. We have to admit, we’re a little star-struck at all the Hollywood types offering up their advice to Mr. Obama. Sure, we Republicans may have Henry Kissinger and Condoleeza Rice on our side, but you guys have movie stars, and frankly, when it comes to expertise in international diplomacy, you should never underestimate the skill of Scarlett Johansson and Kanye West.
Come to think of it, we’re not impressed by your stars at all. Or the rest of you for that matter.
You think we’re some hick town dazzled at the thought of hosting a DNC convention?
Hardly.
Years ago - with numerous countries all bidding against us- the International Olympic Committee gave Colorado the 1976 Winter Olympic Games. Gave it to us on a silver platter.
And we told them "No thanks."
That’s right. We turned down the opportunity to host the most prestigious international event in the world. So do you really think your flood of blackberry-wielding party suck-ups with their carbon credit receipts and "Obama 08" stickers impress us?
Just get on with your business. Take that hybrid limo to your eco-friendly parties, where you’ll talk amongst yourselves about how "Colorado is going blue this year" - even though we’ve been hearing that line that line for the past 40 years now, and every year we go Republican.
In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and imagine Obama winning the West. Close your eyes and dream of a liberal Supreme Court, and a 50 state landslide. It’s your party, so you might as well go ahead and dream. Close your eyes. That’s it. Feels good huh? It’s kind of hard to describe the feeling, isn’t it? It could be optimism. It could be the vision of overwhelming Democrat majorities. It could be the light of Obama-mania sweeping the world in a dream soon to be fulfilled.
Then again, it could be high altitude sickness.