FTS Humor: Barack, Biden, barbeque, and beauty queens

By Andrew Ripemoff

With their candidate ascending into the heavens, the DNC concluded religious services last week. The Greek Temple has been dismantled. The temporary holding cells have been moved. Mark Warner’s speech is almost over.

And what a week it was. Political celebrities everywhere. Nancy Pelosi was spotted on the floor of the Pepsi Center, caught basking in the glow of the Democrat Congress’s 9 percent approval rating. MSNBC broadcasted live from Union Station where its anchors were seen listening to Obama’s speech in awe, eyes blissfully glazed over, hearts fluttering like schoolgirls. Meanwhile, VP nominee Joe Biden was pictured at Boney’s Barbeque - a restaurant containing just slightly less pork than his party’s platform.

The grand finale, of course, was the Thursday night worship session. As the faithful masses crowded their way into Invesco, there was electricity in the air. Gov. Bill Ritter started the night off with one of his trademark speeches, but even that couldn’t dampen the enthusiasm. And so, after four days of parties and politics, we can say that all in all, things went remarkably well.

Sure, there were a few anti-war protests. Disgraced former CU professor Ward Churchill spoke at one rally, but it was sparsely attended. Apparently, most people felt that if they wanted to hear a lecture from a plagiarizing gray-haired liberal, they’d just listen to Biden.

And fortunately, the week saw no violence. There was a minor incident involving some Keystone cop-type skinhead wannabes, but law enforcement says there was never a serious threat. In fact, the only scare during the entire week was an unpleasant incident where the Secret Service had to forcefully remove Rock Mountain News columnist Mike Littwin’s lips off Senator Obama’s rear end. (It took 4 agents.)

But it’s the Republicans’ turn now. And the nation’s political focus shifts to an inexperienced 40-something surprise candidate who, frankly, may not be able to handle the pressure of a high-profile Washington job while at the same time raising young children.

But enough about Barack Obama. Let’s talk about Sarah Palin.

Overshadowing Gustav, Hurricane Sarah swept across the land, leaving behind a flotilla of angry, disgruntled liberals and reporters in her wake.

Not that they haven’t put forth a remarkable smear effort. Congresswoman Diana Degette, D-Safe Seat, called the historic pick "an insult to women," which, ironically, is the exact same thing she would have said had McCain picked a man. Then liberal leaders and their media friends launched a full frontal assault on Mrs. Palin's children, her faith, even her background as a beauty queen - a line of attack I personally I find very unfair.

Sure, we conservatives may have attractive members like Cindy McCain, Sarah Palin and Bo Derek on our side, but Democrats have Senator Barbara Mikulski, and Rosie O’Donnel, so don’t tell me they don’t have their own fair share of beauty queens.

Shifting gears to local news......

The rumor mill is spinning with reports that term-limited House Speaker Andrew Romanoff, D-Another Safe Seat, is now the frontrunner to become Colorado's Secretary of State, overtaking the lead from presumed frontrunner and Senate Majority Leader Ken Gordon. Sources indicate party leaders have chosen Romanoff because he’s a rising star in the party. Additionally, they’ve privately shared concerns that if not appointed, "Andrew may have to get a real job."

On the tourism front, the Rocky Mountain News reported that skier visits were down last season, "...making Colorado one of the few states in the nation to report a downturn." (RMN 8/13/08)

How to fix this problem you ask? Increase advertising? Drop prices? After careful consideration, the Commissioners of Eagle County, (home to Vail and Beaver Creek), have suggested the following bold solution:

Implement a new statewide sales tax on lift tickets.

(And you thought the cocaine problem in resort towns was a thing of the past).

Speaking of dumb ideas: Ft. Collins House Rep. Randy Fischer has proposed yet another busy-body law. This one’s aimed at teenagers who are just learning how to drive. Fischer’s measure would require them to stick a special decal on their car, so as to let other commuters know of their status as novices.

Reading this, I naturally assumed this idea must have originated from your typical liberal legislator. For when it comes to governing, Democrats are like that annoying frisky dog at your neighbor's house. Always trying to stick its wet government nose into the crotch of our personal lives. It’s what they do. However Fischer told the RMN that this idea came from a student at Rocky Mountain High School. I don’t who know who this student is, but I imagine it has to be one of those kids who always sits in the front row and reminds the teacher when she forgets to assign homework.

He's just like the high school students who suckered Mark Udall into sponsoring a bill that would establish a "Department of Peace." Udall says he was inspired to introduce the bill by a group of kids from a high school in his district. This is a move that makes complete sense, because when it comes to strong and solid insightful policy advice, you just can't go wrong listening to Boulder 16-year-olds.

I make fun of Udall's Department of Peace scheme, but to be honest, there were some very respected national leaders on board with the idea. Dennis Kuchinich found time between UFO sighthings to become a co-sponsor.

Nevertheless, I really hate this decal idea. It’s kind of insulting to the intelligence of young people. Frankly, we don’t need government forcing people to put special decals on their car to let everyone know that the owner of the car is not very bright. We already have that. It’s called a "Udall for Senate" bumper sticker.