FTS Humor: Can you hack it?

The Denver Post reported recently that resumes had poured in for the vacant assistant press secretary position for Colorado Senate Democrat caucus. A highly-placed mole at the state capitol has relayed to us a transcript of one of the interviews.

The scene: A lazy Tuesday afternoon, where State Senate President Brandon Shaffer reads through some resumes, feet on his desk.

FTS Illustration

Knock at the door.

BRANDON SHAFFER: Hey interviewee, come on in.

INTERVIEWEE: Actually, my name is -

SHAFFER: Have a seat.

The Interviewee sits.

SHAFFER: So what brought you here to the capitol?

INTERVIEWEE: A 1999 Honda Civic.

SHAFFER: No. I meant, why do you want to be the assistant press secretary for us Senate Democrats?

INTERVIEWEE: Oh. Well I read all about those big fat sweet bonuses that Peter Groff was tossing out to senate staffers on his way out of town, and I thought, "Hey, I should get me some of that."

SHAFFER: Excuse me?

INTERVIEWEE: Uh...I mean, I have an undying passion to serve the public.

SHAFFER: That’s better. You have any political experience?

INTERVIEWEE: I recently completed an internship in Senator Michael Bennet’s office.

SHAFFER: Well we won’t hold that against you. What were your job duties?

INTERVIEWEE: Each morning, it was my responsibility to hand Mr. Bennet the instructions from Senator Chuck Schumer on how he was supposed to vote that day.

SHAFFER: Huh. So I guess that Washington Post story was true?

INTERVIEWEE: To be fair, Senator Bennet doesn’t always act like Chuck Schumer’s personal slave.

SHAFFER: Really?

INTERVIEWEE: Yeah. One time I overheard Schumer telling Michael to fetch him a ham and swiss sandwich. We were all shocked of course, but Michael laid down the law and flat out told him, "You can’t boss me around. I’m a distinguished United States Senator representing the people of Colorado." Schumer gave him a really dirty look.

SHAFFER: Then what did Bennet do?

INTERVIEWEE: He asked Senator Schumer if he wanted that on rye or sourdough.

SHAFFER: I see here on your resume you’re currently in a position with Diana DeGette’s office?

INTERVIEWEE: Yes, I’m sorry. I was really desperate for work.

SHAFFER: What do you do for her?

INTERVIEWEE: Actually, I’m proud to say that my position involves organizing all the logistics and arrangements for the congresswoman’s upcoming town hall meetings with her constituents.

SHAFFER: But she’s not really holding any?

INTERVIEWEE: It’s a part-time position.

SHAFFER: And I thought she wasn’t going to meet with the "common people." Instead, we heard she was just going to hold a teleconference call.

INTERVIEWEE: Yes, but somebody has to hand her the phone.

SHAFFER: Let’s talk about details of this job: As our assistant press secretary would you feel comfortable in front of the cameras speaking for Democrats?

INTERVIEWEE: Sure. I can lie.

SHAFFER: Hey! Democrats don’t lie.

INTERVIEWEE: We don’t?

SHAFFER: No. Absolutely not.

INTERVIEWEE: Wait. That was a lie right there, wasn’t it?

SHAFFER: You’re good.

INTERVIEWEE: What else would the job entail?

SHAFFER: Writing press releases with an emphasis on creative English.

INTERVIEWEE: What do you mean?

SHAFFER: For example: say we want to raise taxes on everyone again. How would you communicate that to the public?

INTERVIEWEE: We want to raise taxes on everyone again.

SHAFFER: No! You’d say: "We’d like to see a revenue enhancing mechanism be put in place so as to provide for, and invest in, the promise of our children’s future."

INTERVIEWEE: That’s smooth.

SHAFFER: Thank you. Here’s another one. Say you want to raise car registration fees on working people again in this bad economy. How would you put it?

INTERVIEWEE: Um...How about this: "A modest readjustment in the level of voluntary contributions will spur economic growth while enabling the state to obtain solid financial footing as we move forward in these difficult, challenging times.

SHAFFER: I could cry.

INTERVIEWEE: Thanks.

SHAFFER: One more. How would you say: "President Barack Obama’s stimulus package, combined with Governor Bill Ritter’s New Energy Economy are responsible for creating thousands of jobs."

INTERVIEWEE: Gosh, uh...

SHAFFER: Trick question. Even WE don’t believe that.

INTERVIEWEE: What else would I do on an average day?

SHAFFER: You’ll establish cordial relations with our friends in the GOP. You’ll be on the look out for any kind of sensible, reasonable Republican-backed bills - bills that would help Colorado families and be beneficial to the state.

INTERVIEWEE: And what will I do when I find one?

SHAFFER: Kill it - or steal it. Preferably kill it.

INTERVIEWEE: What if it’s a tax cut?

SHAFFER: No.

INTERVIEWEE: Reduction in spending?

SHAFFER: No.

INTERVIEWEE: Sensible oil and gas regulations?

SHAFFER: No.

INTERVIEWEE: Why not work with them?

SHAFFER: Because they’re the party of no.

INTERVIEWEE: Got it.

SHAFFER: We better wrap this up. Any other questions about the job?

INTERVIEWEE: Yeah. Are you’re going to continue that generous Peter Groff bonus plan?

SHAFFER: No! There are not going to be any more bonuses! We have a severe budget crisis on our hands. We’re approaching the dawn of a new fiscal age - one where there will be no cozy bureaucratic perks, no fancy taxpayer funded retreats, no wasteful spending. We Democrats are going to lead the state into a new era of fiscal responsibility.

(Long pause)

SHAFFER: Ahhh, gotcha. You didn't even smirk. Hired!