FTS Humor: Another skirmish in the War on Poverty

By Andrew Ripemoff

We have some good economic news to report. That Mercedes you've always wanted is now within reach. That’s right: Colorado lawmakers have formed a committee to reduce poverty.

Now while the least fortunate amongst us are excited to head out to the dealership and choose their car (I recommend the E550), they may have to wait just a bit. 2019 exactly. That’s when Colorado’s poverty rate will be cut in half. Or so says the committee.

Established by House Bill 1064 last March, legislators named it: "The Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force," under the theory is that the longer the committee name, the more impressive it sounds when you bring it up at cocktail parties.

GOOD - "I chair the Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force."

BAD - "I dole out tax money."

The 10 person committee is headed up by Rep. John Kefalas and Sen. Paula Sandoval, both of whom are Democrats - which is sort of ironic, in that members of a party who dug the state into a fiscal hole have now been put in charge of getting people out of one.

"But Andrew!" I hear you saying, "These people are just trying to do some good."

That’s what scares me.

I’m sure these Democrats have good intentions. I know for a fact they are altruistic. Reducing the poverty rate and reducing welfare rolls would chip away at a core Democratic constituency. These lawmakers' hearts are in the right place. I just worry where their brains are.

You just know this committee is going to have all these taxpayer funded meetings after which they’ll issue a glossy 200 page report full of ideas like: "Increase the minimum wage to $85,000 per year," or, "provide every poor person with a personal nutrionist and condo in Greenwood Village," or, "make sure everyone has a free cell phone paid for by Colorado taxpayers." (Actually that last one is already in the works, but I digress.)

Besides, the poverty problem has already been addressed on a national scale by the country’s best and brightest liberals. Remember the 1964 "War on Poverty?"

Me either. But I did Google it and it turns out that this idea of taking money from productive people and redistributing it in the form of welfare benefits is an AWESOME idea. Helping poor people through the distribution of government compassion is not a "hand-out" but rather, a temporary "hand-up" designed to help a family for a little while, say, 4 or 5 generations.

Kefalas’ committee may be different however. Instead of just relying on government assistance, he says they "hope to expand and strengthen economic opportunity," unless of course, it’s opportunity in the oil and gas industry, in which case poverty is a perfectly acceptable option.

The Fort Collins Coloradoan reports, "...the task force will also look at ways to expand employment opportunities by speaking with subcommittees composed of local governments, business and labor organizations, education organizations and advocates."

Meanwhile, the people who are actually creating jobs - small business owners - will probably not be invited to the subcommittee meetings. They’re too busy working and hiring people, anyway. Besides, small business owners would just get in the way and take valuable meeting time away from the more important labor union guys, education reps, and other vaguely referenced but all-important "advocates."

So the task force will have their meetings, spitball utopian ideas, and work toward the ultimate, main goal of the committee, which is to make the members of the committee feel good about themselves.

We know Rep. Kefalas is already feeling it. Back when the House Bill forming the task force was passed, he issued a press release that was very self-serving, even by lawmaker standards.

Consider this gem: "State Representative John Kefalas (D-Fort Collins) today struck a victory for struggling families throughout Colorado."

I just hope somebody tells Colorado’s struggling families about their big "victory." And while they’re at it, I hope they tell these families that when it comes to a Mercedes, the E550 is a fabulous choice. With Kefalas' help, have faith. Everything is possible.