Inside the Democrats $4,300 Retreat

Statehouse Democrats recently repaid $4,300 to the state for a "team building" retreat paid for with public money after it was revealed Republicans weren't invited. FTS humor columnist Andrew Ripemoff takes a look inside the exclusive event.

SENATE PRESIDENT BRANDON SHAFFER: Good morning everyone, and welcome to the retreat. Before we get started, are there any questions?

Flirty Kitty/Flickr

REP. JOEL JUDD: Yeah, are they going to bring out anymore glazed donuts? Someone took the last one.

SHAFFER: I meant questions about the retreat.

LEGISLATIVE AIDE: Yes. Why are we here?

SHAFFER: Two words: team building.

(Awkward silence.)

SHAFFER: Ok. What I mean by that is we’re going to share ideas on how to create a friendlier, more cohesive legislative environment so that we’ll all learn how to be more welcoming and respectful to those Republican a-holes.

SEN. MORGAN CARROLL: Speaking of which. I don’t see any of them here.

SHAFFER: Did I forget to invite them? Ooopsie! My bad. Moving on....

CARROLL: Brandon, we probably should have invited the GOP. Now this whole thing just seems partisan.

SHAFFER: Don’t be ridiculous. How can a room full of angry liberal democrats seem partisan?

CARROLL: Doesn’t it look bad?

SHAFFER: No it doesn’t. You have to trust my political instincts. Yes, Joel. You had a question?

JUDD: I found a Long John.

SHAFFER: Uh, Great Joel.

JUDD: It’s one of the ones with the creamy filling inside.

SEN. DAN GIBBS: Do realize how much trans-fat is in one of those?

SHAFFER: People, let’s move on. The professional facilitator/trainer we hired will teach us things like how to improve our self-esteem through affirmations. For example. You, Chris, stand up.

(State Senator Chris Romer stands.)

SHAFFER: Now repeat the following: "I like myself."

ROMER: I love myself.

SHAFFER: Guess that works too.

ROMER: I love myself.

SHAFFER: Good. Alright. Something else we’re -

ROMER: I love myself.

SHAFFER: Ok. We got it Chris. You can sit down now. Like I said, we’re also going to learn how to get better at working with the public.

SEN. ABEL TAPIA: Do we have to?

SHAFFER: Have to what?

TAPIA: Work with the public?

SHAFFER: Unfortunately yes. That’s why we’re gathered. The Denver Post says there’s been some criticism that "...we’re disrespectful to the public..."

SEN. EVIE HUDAK (Sighs): Just because you pass $1 billion in new taxes and fees on working families doesn’t mean you’re disrespectful.

SHAFFER: You're preaching to the choir, sister.

JUDD: I think It’s pretty damn disrespectful to take the last bear claw.

SEN. DAN GIBBS: Next session, I’m introducing a bill to outlaw those.

ROMER: I love myself.

CARROLL: Wait, Brandon. You mean to tell me we’re paying someone to teach us how to be polite?

SHAFFER: Yep. That's not all, though. He claims to teach participants, "...how to make a positive difference in the quality of their lives." Let’s examine that. Does anyone here know how to improve the quality of their life?

HUDAK: Yeah. Become one of Peter Groff’s staffers. You’ll get rich.

LEGISLATIVE AIDE: Sir, just a quick bookkeeping question. Who should we bill this to? The Democratic senate campaign fund or the Colorado Democratic Party?

SHAFFER: Charge it to taxpayers.

AIDE: But it’s going to cost over $4,000.

CARROLL: That much?

SHAFFER: Sure. Those apple fritters don't pay for themselves.

JUDD: You have apple fritters?

(Judd quickly gets up to investigate.)

ROMER: I love apple fritters. And myself.

AIDE: But Mr. President, are you sure it’s a good idea to waste taxpayer money on a Democrat workshop, especially considering that we’re in a budget crisis with state workers being furloughed?

SHAFFER: If you keep asking questions, I know another state worker who is going to be "furloughed."

STAFFER #1 (whispers): How did this guy get to be Senate President?

STAFFER #2 : It was either him or John Morse.

STAFFER #1: Oh. Got it.

REP. MIKE MERRIFIELD: If we’re going to discuss how to improve our communication skills, I have a question.

SHAFFER: Go ahead.

MERRIFIELD: Say I’m chairing a committee hearing and a concerned member of the public is earnestly speaking in opposition to a bill I support. Should I tell them to "Go to hell" or instead, should I pause, gather my composure, then make a disparaging remark about the physical appearance of their mother?

SHAFFER: You’re unbelievable.

MERRIFIELD: Would that be out of line?

SHAFFER: I should say so. Why would you let a member of the public speak?

JUDD: Well that’s just great. The apple fritters are gone.

GIBBS: I threw them away. They’re bad for your health.

JUDD: You what?!

ROMER: I love myself.

GIBBS: Ouch! Brandon! Joel just hit me in the face with his briefing book.

(The room breaks out in applause.)

SHAFFER: This is good. Like I told the Post, this private retreat is an opportunity for us to "air dirty laundry"

HUDAK: Air our dirty laundry? Is this about Merrifield hanging his boxer shorts on the committee table again?

SHAFFER: No. It was just a metaphor.

HUDAK: A what?

SHAFFER: A meta... never mind.

ROMER: I love myself.

SHAFFER: This seems like a good time to break for lunch. Senator Moe Keller graciously took care of the arrangements.

KELLER: Thanks B.S. We were going to have a 7 course meal complete with a French wine pairing but instead, we’ve reduced it to a 5 five course with domestic wine.

SHAFFER: That’s a shame.

KELLER: Well, it’s like I told the Post, this type of budget cutting "will be brutal."

HUDAK: Along those lines, I have some ethical concerns about the cost of this lunch. Are taxpayers really footing the bill?

SHAFFER: Uh, yes.

HUDAK: Great! Let’s eat!

AIDE: Guys, I hate to be a party-pooper, but after spending months telling voters about cutbacks and sacrifices, I’m not sure if this kind of stuff is going to make us look good.

CARROLL: Yeah Brandon. What if the media gets hold of this? It’s going to create a firestorm.

SHAFFER: Don’t be stupid. It will be fine.

CARROLL: Are you sure?

SHAFFER: I’m Senate President now, so you people are going to have to trust my political instincts.

STAFFER #1: Sir, sorry to interrupt, but you better come quick. Representative Judd has Senator Gibbs in a headlock.

SHAFFER (sighs) : Alright people, see you back in an hour when the topic will be: "Diplomatic and Peaceful Means to Conflict Resolution."