FTS HUMOR: A brief history of Colorado's transportation woes

It was soon after the mass production of the automobile that the state realized there needed to be roads.

So they built them. Many roads. Bridges too. And they were vital to society. Then the Colorado state government began charging a car registration fee to maintain this new transportation infrastructure.

-And you’re okay with this. "We wouldn’t want the roads and bridges to deteriorate," you said.

- But the roads and bridges deteriorated.

-This confused you. So you approached the state and asked: "What the hell happened?"

-"We need more money," the state said. So they implemented a gas tax. Over the years, they raised this and raised this to the point where now they charge you 22 cents a gallon. (This on top of the 18 cents a gallon tacked on by the feds). You weren’t happy about this, but hey, at least the roads and bridges wouldn’t deteriorate.

-Soon, the roads and bridges deteriorated.

-You went back to the state: "What gives?"

-"We need more money," the state said.

-"You’ve got plenty!" you told them. "You still get car registration fees, federal dollars, PLUS 22 cents for every gallon of gas sold here!"

-"Yes, but more people are moving to Colorado, and they’re putting stress on our infrastructure."

-You weren’t aware that these newcomers didn’t buy gas. So you asked the state: "All these new residents pay this enormous gas tax. What are you doing with the increased revenue?"

-The state pondered this for a second before getting angry. "Shut up. We need more money."

-"I’m sorry," you told the state, "but we’re on a budget."

-And the state thought about this for a minute. "What about that TABOR check you get each year? Do you really need that money?"

-And you rolled your eyes: "Okay. Take it. Take my tax refund check." (Or at least 52 percent of you anonymous voters said that.)

-"Thanks!" said the state. "That $3.7 billion will come in handy."

-And you let it go. You weren’t happy about another tax increase, but at least now the roads and bridges wouldn’t deteriorate.

-Then the roads and bridges deteriorated.

-So you went back to the state even angrier than before: "Hey! What about our roads and bridges."

- The state replied: "What about them?"

- "How about you take care of them?" You asked.

- And the state seemed confused: "Asphalt doesn’t grow on trees you know. We need money for that kind of stuff."

-And you got livid: "We just gave you $3.7 billion. Not to mention the hundreds of millions you get in federal dollars, car registration fees and gas taxes."

-"So?" The state asked.

-"So how about a little fiscal discipline?" You asked. "Why don’t you be like the rest of us and try living within your means?"

-And the state didn’t seem to understand this, so you elaborated.

-"What I’m trying to say is stop coming to me for more transportation taxes. And while you’re at it, tell your Department of Transportation to stop wasting taxpayer money."

-"Oh trust me," said the state, "CDOT is VERY careful with taxpayer funds. Have you seen all their TV ads in Spanish?"

-And you clenched your fist and almost threw a sucker punch, but you didn’t, because you knew that assault against a state was a felony. So you took a few days to regain your composure and a few days later, you watched our state’s leader, Gov. Bill Ritter, hold a press conference, where he stood in front of a bunch of construction workers wearing hard hats and yellow vests and talked about how this FASTER legislation was so damn vital to the state.

And you watched with trepidation as the FASTER legislation was introduced. You know from experience that whenever Democrats want a bill passed, they bring in a boatload of sorry looking kids with petitions. Or they take the survivors of some horrible tragedy and drag them in front of the cameras to offer tearful testimony. And you wondered how the Democrats were going to try to prey on people’s emotions THIS time. Because the truth is: bridges are not collapsing on Coloradans. It’d be easier to drum up support if they were, but I guess you have to play the hand you were dealt.

But the bill passed. So you went back to the state and asked,
"Before I bend over, how much will this FASTER thing cost me?"

-And the state told you, "$252 million a year overall. We’ll start with a 2 bucks a day car rental fee tax. Then there’s the $41 increase in car registration fees. And for good measure, we’re throwing in a toll booth option just for kicks."

-"But why all the tax increases?" You asked.

-"Safety and jobs," the state said. "Our man Joe Rice says it will protect between 5,000 and 8,000 jobs. Plus it will create tens of thousands of new jobs!"

-"Who the hell is Joe Rice?" you asked. "Some sort of renowned economist?"

-"No," said the state, "but he did used to work in customer service for M.C.I."

-You let this go, and a few days later, you watched the FASTER bill signing in Thornton. There was the media, a desk, a structurally deficient bridge, and an intellectually deficient Governor. And he was standing there signing away, with economist Joe Rice and state Sen. Dan Gibbs in the background, wearing big smirks -smug in the knowledge they’ve just taken $252 million a year out of the Colorado economy and transferred it to the government.

And you wonder if these guys have any shame.

For somewhere out there is a struggling single mom with three kids who can barely make the rent. She puts her grocery bills on a credit card and prays that her kids don’t get sick because she doesn’t have health insurance. And this July, when it’s time to renew her vehicle registration, she’ll somehow have to find a way to come up with another $41 to send to the state of Colorado. For a waitress making $10 an hour, that’s another four hours of hard work away from her kids. Wait, that's before taxes, and tolls, and other government fees. Maybe we should say eight hours just to be sure.

-So you ask the state, why are these legislators smiling?

-And the state tells you that if you got paid $30,000 a year plus expenses to work only four months doing stuff like posing for photographers on a Thornton bridge, you’d be smiling too.

-You shake your head in disgust, but out of the corner of your eye you notice something strange at the bill signing. Guys in hard hats and yellow vests. Lots of them. They’re standing right behind Ritter like they did at his press conference last January. Human props used to support for this $252 million tax hike. It’s then you realize that we’ll need Rice’s "tens of thousands" of new construction workers just to provide the visual background for all of Ritter’s press conferences.

-You realize something else. The money is flowing into the Capitol at a furious pace. The gas tax, rental car tax, toll booths, the TABOR grab, registration fee hike. Tired, broke, and beaten down, you ask the state a last question. "Do you really think I can keep handing money over to you at this pace?"

-"Sure!" says the state, smiling, "Why do you think we named it FASTER?"