FTS Humor: B.O. High School, Hot Jared, and Si Dot

By Andrew Ripemoff

It’s been an awesome week. A week where Lakewood began requiring that all paid escorts be registered and injected with tracking micro-chips. Or maybe that was cats. It's easy to get confused with so many good ideas coming out of our local and state governments these days.

It’s also a week in which we’ve learned that Colorado Democrats are fighting hard to change their image of being the party that is soft on crime. And they’re doing it by:

Trying to shut down a prison in Rifle.

Working to eliminate the death penalty.

Refusing to join the rest of the country in passing Jessica’s Law.

"I applaud the Colorado legislature for being one of only eight states to not pass tough legislation against child molesters," said one opponent of the law, singer Michael Jackson.

And if you think that was the most disturbing news item of the week, then you obviously haven’t heard about the controversial Spanish TV ads that the our own Colorado Department of Transportation is blowing taxpayer money to produce. We’ve gone back and obtained transcripts from brainstorming sessions at CDOT headquarters:

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: Hey guys! You know what we need to do? Especially in this period of economic downtown and significant governmental cutbacks?

D.O.T. EMPLOYEE: What?

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: We should produce expensive TV ads that tell people to put on seat belts.

D.O.T. EMPLOYEE: Good idea boss! After all, it’s government’s job to tell people how to run their lives.

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: So true. We probably ought to spend about $5,000 on really cheesy ads with poor production value.

D.O.T. EMPLOYEE: But we're suffering through state and federal budget shortfalls.

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: You’re right. Make it $15,000.

D.O.T. EMPLOYEE: Sounds great! But may I make a suggestion?

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: What?

D.O.T. EMPLOYEE: How about instead of English, we produce them in Spanish instead!

D.O.T. MANAGEMENT: Brilliant! That way the 99 percent of Coloradans who speak English won’t understand them!

***

But the ad wasn't the only great idea of the week. Also noteworthy was the Rocky’s Paul Campos, speculating about the next potential Supreme Court opening, and calling for a gender quota for the anticipated replacement of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

"...Obama should consider only women to replace Ginsburg."

It’s a actually a compelling argument.

So compelling in fact, that one is inclined to go back in time to when Mr. Campos was hired on at the male-dominated University of Colorado Law School. Questions about his hiring come to mind:

Did he get a spot that should have gone to a qualified woman candidate?

Did he elbow out a deserving woman of color?

We may never know.

What we DO know, is that even in 2009, Paul Campos and the other good ol’ boys still run the show at CU Law. A Web site listing of the resident and adjunct faculty at the CU Law school reveal that women only make up 36.2 percent of the faculty.

Just once, I’d love to see one of these diversity worshipers descend from their Ivory Tower and put their money where their mouth is. You want gender diversity Mr. Campos? You can help achieve it. Resign your position and give the job to a woman.

It’s like I always say: "Celebrate Diversity."

***

Research conducted by the Rocky shows that there was $161 million spent on campaigns in Colorado this past fall. Jared Polis.

While we’re on the subject of pasty flower peddlers, sincere congratulations are in order to the Fablous Freshman. He was voted the 3rd hottest freshman congressman in a vote by the readers of the Huffington Post. And we all know THOSE people have good judgment.

So good job, Jared. Third place is nothing to sneeze at. Granted, it’s only 3rd out of 5 choices, but finishing in the top 60 percent is still a great honor.

***

Speaker of the House Terrance Carroll wants more civility and respect shown to state lawmakers. Specifically, he requests that everyone address lawmakers by their proper titles.

While we appreciate civility in our politics, here’s a thought: Speaker Carroll and his colleagues have taken away our TABOR refund checks. They’ve raised our property taxes. They’re going to make you pay for toll booths. They’re raising your car registration fees. Basically, they’re doing everything they can to take money away from you and your family.

And now they demand respect?

That whole "respect" thing is a two-way street...Terry.

***

Not everyone respects the Girl Scouts at cookie time.

After making the rounds at the Capitol, a trio of Girl Scouts were seen outside on the steps, crying. Nine-year-old Brittney sobbed while telling a reporter, "I asked a man named Mr. Gibbs if he wanted to buy some Tagalongs and he started yelling at me about trans-fats."

***

Our Lieutenant Governor, (yes, we have one), has started her own monthly podcast. Barbara O’Brien will offer her audio broadcast on a monthly basis.

"This is very troubling for us," said a spokesman for sleeping pill manufacturer Ambien. "If her podcasts get popular, it could potentially destroy our business."

***

It’s not exactly the last place you’d look for a stupid idea, but there’s another loony plan coming out of Boulder. Those cute kids at Boulder High School wanted to rename the school, "Barack Obama High School."

Plans also call for the school mascot to change from the Panthers to the "Community Organizers." (New cheer: "Give me a C. Give me an O. Give me an M...")

Said 16-year-old junior Robert Pimplesnooker:

"We were going to try to get Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, but the Park Service has some stupid rule that says he actually has to do something before they can begin carving."

***

That’s all for now, I have to go. Evie Hudak is taking me to an expensive lunch on the taxpayer’s dime.

That school district money has to be spent somewhere, you know.