WEDNESDAY 9:47 AM
DEMOCRATIC HOUSE/SENATE CAUCUS
House Speaker Terrance Carroll leads a free-flowing discussion with fellow Democrats and gubernatorial staff on this sessions’ legislative priorities.
CARROLL: Alright people, quiet down. Let’s get to the important business of the day.
REP. JOE RICE: The budget?
CARROLL: No, our annual Super Bowl pool. It’s five bucks a square, and I’ll need your money by 5 p.m. today. Now, about our legislative agenda and our priorities for this session. Any ideas?
REP. CHERYLIN PENISTON: Cats! We need to make sure all cats have proper identification!
CARROLL: Um, okay. But I was thinking more in lines of how we, as Democrats, can help the economy.
SEN. JENNIFER VIEGA: How about we get rid of grocery store plastic bags?
CARROLL: Um, no. I want us to discuss ways that we can help struggling Coloradoans get through this tough economic time.
SEN. DAN GIBBS: We can do something about car registration fees.
CARROLL: Excellent Dan. Now you’re on the right track. What about those fees?
GIBBS: We can raise them.
CARROLL: No, no. That will hurt people. We need to HELP people.
EVAN DRYER: Speaking of helping people, the governor wants you all to know that he is very interested in senior citizens and disabled veterans. Currently, they get a very small property tax break.
CARROLL: Great! What’s he want to do about it?
DRYER: He wants to get rid of it.
SEN. ABEL TAPIA: While you’re here Evan, tell Bill that our constituents don’t appreciate him trying to bring 243 terrorists into our communities.
DRYER: I understand. And trust me, the governor is fully in touch with public sentiment on this issue.
TAPIA: He is?
DRYER: Yes. In fact, he’s cancelled the welcoming parade and marching band.
TAPIA: But Evan, won’t all these thugs be bad for Colorado?
DRYER: Not at all. I’ve personally reviewed the files on each terrorist, and I can assure you, none of them work in the oil and gas industry.
REP. KATHLEEN CURRY: Whew! That’s a relief.
TAPIA: Dammit Evan, bringing terrorists onto Colorado soil? Are you serious? That’s the kind of thing that leads voters to think Democrats are soft on crime.
DRYER: But we ARE soft on crime.
TAPIA: That’s not the point.
DRYER: You’re not considering the positives of this plan.
TAPIA: And what are those?
DREYER: We’re gaining 243 new likely Democrat voters.
MIKE MERRIFIELD: Well I for one, am not afraid of these terrorists. If you want, I’ll even go to Florence and give a speech to them.
DRYER: You can’t do that.
MERRIFILED: Why not?
DRYER: We’re trying to ELIMINATE torture.
PETER GROFF: This quest for justice and civil rights reminds me of my childhood, and the inspirational words of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who once said...
STAFFER: (whispers): Oh boy, here we go.
TWO HOURS LATER
GROFF: ...and this legacy of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has helped enable me to march forward on this historic path. Thank you.
CARROLL: Um, okay. Thank you Peter. Wake up everyone. Any more ideas?
PENISTON: Cats. We can force people to put micro-computer chips in cats.
CARROLL: Oh my gosh, Cherylin. You and your freaking cats! Anyone else?
REP. CLAIRE LEVY: I was thinking we should make it illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving.
CARROLL: Good job Claire. How did you come up with that?
LEVY: I was driving out here today - drinking my coffee and applying my makeup in the rearview mirror while adjusting the radio - when it suddenly hit me. Cell phones are a distraction.
GIBBS: Speaking of cars. What about car rental fees? Lots of people in our hometowns rent cars and they end up paying high fees.
CARROLL: Good Dan. What should we do about it?
GIBBS: We should raise them.
CARROLL: Jennifer? I see you have your hand raised. You have another suggestion?
VIEGA: I got to thinking about grocery bags, and -
CARROLL: - Dammit Jennifer, enough about the bags already. Yes, John?
REP. JOHN SOPER: We should force everyone to put carbon monoxide detectors in their homes.
CARROLL: I don’t know. That would be expensive.
SOPER: Stop being greedy. If it saves one life, it will be worth it.
CARROLL: Okay, Then we should probably require them to be installed in college dorm rooms too.
SOPER: No.
CARROLL: Why not?
SOPER: That would be expensive.
GROFF: What is expensive is the march towards the promised land. As the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once said -
CARROLL: Um Peter, hold that thought. We’ll get back to you later.
PENISTON: What about carbon monoxide detectors for cat beds and litter boxes?
SEN. JOEL JUDD: Along those lines, personally, I think transgendered cats should be allowed to use any litterbox they like.
CARROLL: Folks, we’re getting distracted. We need to focus on how to help people. They’re struggling with money issues. So tell me. How can we create new jobs?
GIBBS: My idea to install toll booths on Colorado roads would force us to hire at least two or three people per booth to man.
VIEGA: And my proposed grocery bag police force would also create a lot of jobs.
CARROLL: Will somebody shove a grocery bag in her mouth?
GIBBS: Hey Terrance? Cherylin and I are thinking about co-sponsoring a bill that would require you to pay a toll fee if you are driving with a cat.
LEVY: That’s fine with me. And we should double the fee if the cat is talking on a cell phone.
CARROLL: Let’s move on. Mike? I see your hand in the air. You have an idea?
MERRIFIELD: What if we charge people a fine for driving too slow?
STAFFER (whispers to another staffer) : Can we fine HIM for being too slow?
PENISTON: Or how about, if cats are going too slow?
CARROLL: Will you SHUT UP about the freaking cats already! C’mon people. Let’s put our heads together. We need ideas that will help average Coloradans in this struggling economy.
GIBBS: Costly toll booths!
CARROLL: You already mentioned that Dan.
GROFF: There was a high toll paid by those who fought in the struggle for equal rights. As the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said -
CARROLL: Just a sec Peter, we’ll get back to you.
VIEGA: The elimination of grocery bags would -
CARROLL: STOP! What is with you people? Grocery bags? Cats? Raising fees? New costly mandates? Higher taxes? We’re supposed to HELP people who are struggling.
PENISTON: So genius. What’s your idea?
CARROLL: Why don’t we work together with Republicans to eliminate wasteful spending and CUT taxes and fees on hardworking Coloradans?
(An awkward silence envelopes the room. Crickets begin chirping. Then, suddenly, the room bursts into laughter.)
GIBBS: That was a good one, Terrance.
CARROLL: I had you guys going there for a minute. Now let’s move on. Any more ideas?
VIEGA: What if we put slow cats in grocery bags, then...