Face the State

By Andrew Ripemoff

The scene: December 2008. Governor Bill Ritter needs to pick a new U.S. Senator. At a large convention hall in Denver, he sits behind a folding table, greeting applicants as the very first "Colorado Open Senate Seat Job Fair" gets under way.

GOVERNOR’S AIDE: Sir. The applicants are ready.

RITTER: Bring the first one in.

SWANEE HUNT: Good morning Bill.

RITTER: Swanee! Long time no see. What brings you back to Denver?

HUNT: I want to be Senator.

RITTER: Of Colorado?

HUNT: Yes silly. That’s why I’m here.

RITTER: But you’re registered to vote in Massachusetts. You LIVE in Massachusetts.

HUNT: I still own a vacation home here.

RITTER: Swanee. No offense, but I’m not sure if you could relate to the average rural Coloradan.

HUNT: Why not? My lifestyle is very similar. For example, my husband is the conductor of the Boston Symphony. People in Colorado appreciate classical music, don’t they?

RITTER: I guess, but --

HUNT: And it’s like I’ve said, "I am as comfortable in an Alamosa diner as I am at the Palace Arms."

RITTER: Really?

HUNT: Yes. Assuming of course, that an Alamosa diner serves pan roasted monkfish and celeriac black truffle emulsion.

RITTER: Thanks for applying, but I’ll have to think about it.

HUNT: I understand completely.

RITTER: Good.

Something falls to the ground.

HUNT: Oopsie! Looks like I dropped a large stack of hundred dollar bills. I hope you’ll be able to find someone to clean that up for me. (Wink, wink)

RITTER: Listen, Swanee. I appreciate your interest in the seat. But if I wanted to appoint an out-of-touch liberal heiress living off of daddy’s money, I’d call Pat Stryker. Next!

DIANA DEGETTE: Hello, Governor. I wanted to let you know that at 1:30 this afternoon, I will be contacting all media outlets, including local and national press to officially announce that I will be formally withdrawing my name from consideration.

RITTER: (whispering to his aide): Was she under consideration?

AIDE: (whispers back) Not even close.

RITTER: Well thank you Diana. Gosh darn it. Now I guess I’ll just have to pick someone else.

DEGETTE: I knew my decision would be very hard on you.

RITTER: I’ll try to go on with my life, especially given my tireless desire to promote women and minorities throughout my tenure. Next!

ANDREW ROMANOFF: Wow, Governor! That suit looks great on you!

RITTER: Uh, thanks Andrew.

ROMANOFF: And have you done something with your hair?

RITTER: You can stop kissing my ass now.

ROMANOFF: Was that a little too much?

RITTER: Yeah.

ROMANOFF: Then I probably shouldn’t have brought these flowers?

RITTER: No. But let’s move on. Tell me your legislative agenda, and why exactly you would like to represent Colorado in the United States Senate.

ROMANOFF: I don’t know, and I don’t care. Just please don’t make me go out there.

RITTER: Where?

ROMANOFF: The real world.

RITTER: What are you talking about?

ROMANOFF: The private sector. If I don’t get a cushy government position soon, I’ll have to go out there and find a real job. You understand?

RITTER: Andrew, listen --

ROMANOFF: No! You listen to ME! I kept quiet when you picked Barbara O’Brien to be your Lieutenant Governor. And I even kept my mouth shut when you chose Buescher to be secretary of state. So now you owe me.

RITTER: Andrew, I’m sure you’ll land on your feet...

ROMANOFF: No! I want this job. I NEED this job. Give it to me. Give it to me NOW!

RITTER: Let go of my leg.

ROMANOFF: Please Governor! Please! I’m begging...

RITTER: Security!

Two state troopers drag Romanoff away.

ROMANOFF (shouting in the distance): Senator Romanoff! I’m Senator Andrew Romanoff! My name is Senator Romanoff!

RITTER: Next!

JOAN FITZ-GERALD: Hi, Bill!

RITTER: Joan! Hi! Always good to see you. What can I do for you?

FITZ-GERALD: I’m here to apply for the open Senate seat.

RITTER: Ha! Ha! You always did have a great sense of humor.

FITZ-GERALD: I was serious.

RITTER: Oh. Sorry. Next!

POLLY BACA: Hello Governor, thanks for seeing me.

RITTER: No problem. It’s almost lunch time. You hungry?

BACA: Uh, no.

RITTER: They’ve brought out some appetizers. Here are some triscuts. Baahhhh! Polly want a cracker?

(uncomfortable pause)

BACA: That was really lame.

RITTER: Sorry. But I’ve always wanted to say that.

BACA: Governor, I really hope you would consider me for this important position. If selected, I would be the very first Hispanic woman in the United States Senate.

RITTER: Who gives a damn?

BACA: Excuse me?

RITTER: I apologize. I experienced a momentary lapse of political incorrectness. It won’t happen again.

BACA: Good. Like I was saying, I would become the very first Hispanic woman in the senate.

RITTER: Yes. You mentioned that several times in your letter.

BACA: Oh, so you did read it?

RITTER: I tried.

BACA: What did you mean?

RITTER: What I mean is that one minute I’m at home, reading your three page letter about how you, and I quote: "chaired the Consumer Affairs Council that consisted of representatives of 41 different federal agencies, and represented consumers on the federal Information Infrastructure Task Force," (*4) and the next minute Mrs. Ritter is telling me to stop snoring.

BACA: But...

RITTER: Next!

AIDE: Governor, Ken Gordon is here to apply.

RITTER: Next!

JOHN HICKENLOOPER: (Plops down into chair, puts his feet on the desk, and takes a sip of bottled water). Hi Bill. I know this is just a formality, so if you’ll kindly tell me when I start, we can get the ball rolling.

RITTER: To be honest John, I’m thinking about picking your former staffer, Michael Bennet.

HICKENLOOPER: (Shocked. Spits water out of his mouth): Mikey? A Senator? Are you shitting me?"

RITTER: Well no. He’s -

HICKENLOOPER: That punk used to fetch my coffee.

RITTER: I think he’s qualified.

HICKENLOOPER: Yeah, if you need dry cleaning picked up in a timely manner, he’s your guy.

RITTER: Next!

AIDE: Sir. We’ve just received notice that state Treasurer Cary Kennedy has withdrawn her name.

RITTER: That’s too bad.

AIDE: You like her?

RITTER: Yeah. She’s overseen a state budget that is $604 million in the hole.

AIDE: So?

RITTER: So she’d have fit in perfectly in Congress. Next!

MICHAEL BENNET: Am I in the right place? I always get lost in this city.

RITTER: You sure are Michael. Thanks for applying.

BENNET: I’m honored to even be considered the next Senator from the great state of Wyoming.

RITTER: Colorado.

BENNET: Whatever.

RITTER: Are you even familiar with the needs and concerns of our residents?

BENNETT: Yes. Definitely.

RITTER: Even those who live outside of Denver?

BENNET: There are people who live outside of Denver?

RITTER: Yes!

BENNET: Like where?

RITTER: Like Colorado Springs, for example.

BENNET: Oh yes. That’s the place with Pikes Peak?

RITTER: Um, yes it is.

BENNET: Always wanted to see that.

RITTER: What about other areas. Ever been to the Western Slope?

BENNET: Of Colorado?

RITTER: Yes!

BENNET: Actually I have. Father would often fly us out from the East Coast into Aspen for ski vacations. The Ritz Carlton is fabulous.

RITTER: Have you spent much time on Eastern Plains?

BENNET: Of Colorado?

RITTER: Yes!

BENNET: No. If I get the job, will I have to?

RITTER: Let’s talk 2010. You’ve had a privileged East Coast upbringing, so I’d like to know if you can get down into the nitty gritty of campaigning?

BENNET: You mean running TV ads? Sure.

RITTER: No, I'm talking real campaigning. To win election on your own, you’re going to have to hit the road and mingle with voters at coffee shops in places like Sterling, Lamar, and Fruita.

BENNET: Sounds dreadful.

RITTER: (Reading resume): Let’s see here. No political experience. You’re a multi-millionaire Yale lawyer. Born in India. Raised in Washington D.C. You haven’t lived here very long.

BENNET: That is accurate.

RITTER: You’re hired.

BENNET: Wow! Thanks, Governor.

RITTER: And Michael, one more thing. Stop being so mean to the unions and the NEA will be good to you next cycle.

BENNET: Oh yes, of course. My wife and I always give to the National Endowment for the Arts.

RITTER: Not THAT NEA! Well, at least make sure to ask Ken Salazar whether you can borrow that dreadful cowboy hat. The city slickers really seem to like that crap. It's worth a few points in the polls.

BENNET: Yee-haw!