By Andrew Ripemoff
As we anxiously await the $25 billion bailout plan for Internet columnists, we offer you tidbits from the week that was.
Lt. Gov. (yes we have one) Barbara O’Brien recently announced that a batch of solar panels has been installed on the state Capitol. Panels are also scheduled to be installed on the dome, replacing the famous gold leaf coating, which will be taken down and recycled to make, (as O’Brien says), "a lovely 24ct necklace."
Okay, I was kidding about that last part, but the solar panels are up. And they’re powerful and efficient too. The Lt. Governor’s office (again, there is such a thing), says that the panels cost $31,000 and that they generate enough energy to power two homes, which, according to my public school education, would equal roughly $15,500 per home.
The press release goes on to state that anyone interested in spending $15,500 to install some hideous looking panels on their house in order to shave a few pennies off their monthly electric bill is encouraged to contact the lt. governor’s office.
Question of the week: Who’s likely to found first? Osama Bin Laden or state Rep. Anne McGihon? The Denver Democrat seems to have disappeared from public view ever since she got demoted from her chairmanship of the House Health and Human Services Committee. She’s been so camera shy, even Howard Hughes thinks she’s a recluse. And will the maintenance people at the state capitol PLEASE fix her telephone? Apparently it does not make outgoing calls.
This week’s winners and losers:
Winner: Manitou Springs Democrat Mike Merrifield for being appointed chairman of the House Education committee.
Losers: The House Education committee...along with anyone else interested in improving Colorado’s educational system. Merrifield is a notorious anti-school choice zealot who once said that charter school supporters deserve, "a special place in hell."
Fair enough. But it appears that this special place in hell may be crowded. President-elect Obama announced this week that he is bypassing the D.C. public school system in order to send his daughters to (GASP!) a private school.
Apparently, Merrifield didn’t get that whole "Change" memo.
Speaking of dinosaurs, let’s talk about the Colorado Association of School Boards - an organization whose function is to try to gut Colorado's Taxpayer's Bill of Rights and (if they have any time left over) to maybe try to educate our children.
CASB Chief Ken DeLay recently spoke to Face The State about the November defeat of TABOR-busting Amendment 59, going so far as to describe TABOR as "Indefensible." The constitutional amendment, approved by the people more than a decade ago, requires taxpayer approval of all tax increases. The nerve!
To Mr. DeLay I say, let’s not get carried away with hyperbole. "Indefensible" is a strong word that should only be used to describe something very horrible, such as a mass murder spree, or animal abuse, or CSAP scores under your tenure.
In news from the governor’s office: The race is heating up for the honor of being named "Bill Ritter’s favorite washed-up Democrat." Or as some call it, "Secretary of State."
As of now, the leading contenders appear to be Bernie Buescher, Ken Gordon and Andrew Romanoff. And an official close to the governor addressed rumors that Ritter had encouraged the candidates to apply:
"The governor searched the state for the brightest, most qualified, most bi-partisan candidates he could find, and asked them to consider the position," said the official, speaking on condition of anonymity, "Unfortunately, they all said no. So now we’re stuck with these three."
Annoying busybody of the week: state Sen. Dan Gibbs of the newly formed "Colorado State Junk Food Police Patrol." A group of civic-minded legislators who look for those who are smoking or eating Twinkies, and then shoot them dead on the spot.
Or maybe not. But you know it’s just a matter of time. Gibbs sponsored Senate Bill 129, which prohibits schools from selling soda in vending machines. Why? Because Gibbs is putting himself in charge of what people should and should not consume. He sounds like a barrel full of fun, doesn't he? Imagine having him at your Thanksgiving dinner:
YOU: "Please pass the cranberries."
GIBBS: "What? You’re going to have ANOTHER helping?"
YOU: "Yeah. It’s Thanksgiving."
GIBBS: "Excuse me, but I’ve calculated your caloric intake thus far today, and needless to say, it far exceeds federally recommended nutritional guidelines."
YOU (to hostess): "Who invited Richard Simmons?"
HOSTESS: "Sorry. Dan’s family asked if we would take him off their hands while they eat. Then we're supposed to send him home."
As a side note, Gibbs is big on supporting things like abortion and the recent bathroom bill. So you teenage boys out there be warned: if you’re going to barge into a women’s bathroom after paying to have your girlfriend’s baby terminated, make sure you don’t buy a Mountain Dew at the vending machine, because that would be wrong.
Speaker-of-the-House-to-be Terrance Carroll spoke at a recent meeting concerning tort reform, indicating that there may not be any legislative action concerning frivolous lawsuits this year. Gov. Ritter also dropped by, making a surprise appearance to offer his views on the subject:
"I prefer apple, but the cherry is good too," said the governor, before being informed by an aide that the meeting was about "tort" reform, not "tart" reform.
The governor’s office issued a press release this week that unfortunately, is not a joke.
In it, the governor announced the formation of yet another blue ribbon commission. This 20 member panel will:
Now normally, I’m all in favor of Democrats trying to educate themselves by studying Republican leadership, but this, however, seems like another waste of taxpayer time and money.
For their part, the Ritter administration says this kind of historical reference is important. They argue that while Colorado may be facing issues with transportation and energy, and future growth, the primary job of state government is to have a laser-like focus on things that happened in Washington D.C. in 1864.
This Blue Ribbon Lincoln commission fits perfectly in line with the reputation of Blue Ribbon Ritter, where EVERY decision is passed down to a committee. Like this recently overheard conversation:
RITTER: "In these difficult times, we, as Coloradans, need to work together to come up with a consensus on how to boldly more forward and take on the challenges that lie ahead. Therefore, today I announce the formation of a blue ribbon panel that will work diligently towards finding an answer to your question. Made up of distinguished civic and business leaders from throughout our great state, I am confident that this panel will produce much needed solutions towards overcoming the challenges facing us today."
GROCERY BAG BOY: "Uh, okay. I’ll ask you again: Paper or plastic?"
And with that we'll conclude. Until next week...we hope you've had a Happy Thanksgiving. Or as Dan Gibbs would say, "Put that pie down!"