By Andrew Ripemoff
It’s been an incredibly exciting campaign season, and today, we look back at all the hot button people and issues making news this election cycle. I’m talking about things like "Joe the Plumber," "Jeremiah Wright," and the $700 billion Wall Street bailout which, coincidentally, is the same amount Mark Udall has spent trying to tear down Bob Schaffer.
But Udall has also run positive ads. Not truthful, mind you, but positive.
One shows him hiking in the remote wilderness - where, by chance, an entire television film crew just happens to be standing by waiting for him to sit down on a rock and start talking politics. So he does, looking directly into the camera and mustering up all the fake sincerity he can as he informs us that: "Not all ideas from Republicans are bad and not all ideas from Democrats are good." But maybe he's got a point, after all his congressional voting record makes Dianna DeGette look like Tom Tancredo.
Still, you wonder if Udall been taking a break from the hiking to stop and eat some mushrooms, if you get my drift. But he continues on with a straight face, almost as if even HE believes this "shifting to the middle" crap - as if he’s really an independent-minded moderate, rather than the career Boulder Liberal politician who has voted with Nancy Pelosi 94 percent of the time.
And just before you cuss his name and call him a liar and throw the remote at the TV, you decide to stop and change the channel instead. Because you’ve gone through eight remotes already this election season and there’s still a few days left.
So you turn the channel and happen to land on MSNBC, where an anchor is conducting a tough, no holds barred interview with Barack Obama, asking brutally hard hitting questions such as:
"Senator Obama, how did you become such a great man?"
And this causes you to quickly change the channel to another news station, where you watch a DNC official being asked about Obama’s ties to domestic terrorist William Ayers. And the official responds:
"Listen. Senator Obama may be good friends with Mr. Ayers, but the Senator has STRONGLY denounced those terrorist acts, and has denounced them ever since focus groups indicated it was a liability."
So you click to another station, where you see a campaign ad promoting Bill Ritter’s energy tax hike, and you listen intently:
"Vote Yes on 58, because if there’s one thing we call all agree on, is that taxes are waaaaay too low. The Colorado state budget is only $18 billion a year. We NEED to squeeze another $300 million out of you people. As Coloradans, let’s join together and give this money to Bill Ritter. He’ll spend it wisely. Of course, the evil oil and gas firms are trying to convince us that energy taxes will go up. Yet a partisan group of hippie tofu-loving liberal vegetarians has conducted a study of oil and gas firms operating in neighboring states like Utopia, and they’ve proven that when energy taxes go up, companies prefer to eat that cost, rather than passing it on the consumers."
After you’re done vomiting, you click the remote again, where you see yet another Udall ad attacking Schaffer for the unforgivable sin of (prepare to be shocked) having a job in the private sector. And you actually sort of agree with this, because you know that, (unlike most folks), Mark Udall HAS to be a Washington politician. Because if he had to get a real job in the real world, he’d wind up selling blueberry smoothies at a mall kiosk. Yes, you respect Bob Schaffer for honoring his term limits pledge, but let’s be honest: there is no room for honor in Congress.
There is, however, lots of room for Udalls. Including, as it would be, Mark's ever-growing extended family.
A few seconds later, you come across an issues debate on PBS, where a CU law professor is arguing about how Amendment 46 is dangerous - how black people can’t make it in society without affirmative action. And you think about how Obama is leading in the polls, how Oprah is the most popular TV personality, and how Will Smith is the most popular movie star, and you wonder if this lady’s mind set will ever begin to approach the intersection with reality.
You decide that it won’t. So you change the channel to another negative ad, this time about Amendment 48. You’ve seen so many issue ads you’re getting them confused, so your husband asks you what the measure is about, you tell him that it’s the Personhood Amendment, which - if passed - would allow a fertilized embryo to bet $100 at a casino.
And he says, "What?" And you correct yourself. "Sorry" you say, "What I meant to say is that the measure would put language into the Colorado Constitution defining that life begins the moment you're forced to join a union."
And he’s confused, so you switch subjects quickly by changing the channel again, where you’re happy to see a positive Udall spot once again. He’s standing in the woods again (he’s in the woods a lot), looking into the camera:
"High gas prices and heating bills are hurting Colorado families. That’s why I’m in favor of America becoming energy independent. As a long time congressperson, my extensive track record of supporting oil and gas drilling goes all the way back to July. Maybe June."
And you begin to get nauseous again. So you throw the remote at the TV, and it hits him in the face, cracking the screen. Your husband looks frightened, because the TV is broken. There will be no more negative political ads tonight. No stupid union ads. No Udall ads. Not even a news anchor drooling over Obama.
In other words, it’s going to be an awesome night.